Why do we care so much about these damned standardized tests. Do they tell us about our personalities...about the people we care about...how we should live...?

Ridiculous. I'm taking the US history and literature subject tests tomorrow. I didn't study like I was supposed to, so hopefully, I can just wing it. I mean, I used to be good at winging everything. Just not...recently.

I just spilled my heart to some random ass nice guy that I never used to talk to. But he was right there when I all of a sudden felt like shit so I just spilled.

I'm not kidding when I say this. I always get what I want. That sounds like I'm really spoiled, but I don't mean it materialistically. I'm an independent person and I've always taken pride in that. No one asks me if I'm okay or if I need help because they all assume that I'm fine, alone, standing with my own two feet and holding boulders upon my own two shoulders. I'm not some sentimental person who actually runs home after school just to cry from all the stress of simply not crying in public. That's not what I mean at all.

I get what I want and I crush people that stand in my way. Once I make up my mind, it's really hard to sway one of my decisions. I'm one stubborn bitch and I admit it: I'm hard to get along with, to work with.

I actually really liked him. Everyone said that I dug him for his looks, that there was nothing behind it because I couldn't explain why I liked him. Excuse me, fuckers, can you tell me why you wanted to fuck so and so, why you had fantasies of her stripping down for you, him cuddling up on you? Not that I thought of this shit when I liked that guy, but that's how a lot of people want to describe why they liked a certain person.

I didn't talk to anyone about it, but being on house arrest for a fucking week before the SATs is driving me insane. It's the lack of people around me that's making me think of the things that I kind of buried. I never had to think about them because I was always distracted by my family and friends, and I'm thankful to them, but it kind of built up over time. I am over it in a way, I think, but I haven't talked about it so it's not completely gone.

I lost to a girl I shouldn't have lost to. She wasn't anything compared to me but a face. In everything else besides the looks department, I was better. I was smarter, funnier, more charming, and more social. More people like me, and a majority of them won't change their minds. But everyone thought that I was okay just leaving things like this, because I'm "strong." I was the one who made the first move, and for that, everyone applauded me. On top of all that, I've never really lost a "fight." I don't back off until I win or there's neutrality.

And so everyone assumed that I was going to be all right. But I kept comparing myself to her. Was I not pretty enough? Was I not charming enough? Was I not flirty enough?

What did it come down to in the end? I can't even tell anymore. I fought with so many people just because of this guy. I fought with my best friend, I lost a friend who was never really my friend in the first place.... "It's Cammi Zhang. She can handle anything." That was what I got. And as flattering as that is, I don't know why I find something so wrong with it. It's not like I want everyone to know that I was actually really fucked up about it inside. And it was deep. So deep I didn't even cry to myself in private.

Until now.

1) I love reading blogs.
2) I use the word "stupid" very often.
3) I like to write when I have free time.
4) I enjoy fashion, although I can't say I am good with it.
5) I swear a lot, and I can only say I hope it won't offend you.
6) I am organized about things I don't need to be organized with.
7) I am not studious.
8) I am most definitely superficial and materialistic.
9) I can sleep anywhere and anytime.
10) I can't handle bullshit like "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder."
11) I can handle confrontations if I know what you're talking about.
12) I leave songs on repeat until I get sick of them.
13) I own an iPOD even though I'm not fond of Apple.
14) I have an older brother and a younger sister.
15) I can't survive without eyeliner.
16) I want to highlight my hair with pink or teal someday.
17) I will give my opinion if prompted.
18) I act on impulse and recklessness.
19) I'm an AIM junkie; I am sometimes on MSN.
20) I only complain if I plan to do something about the object of my distress.
21) My favorite color is purple.
22) I am very, very, very immature.
23) I've been told I'm a bitch a hundred times before.
24) I'll take advantage of you if I can or if you let me.
25) I'm both hypersensitive and insensitive.
26) Dark comedy is the genre of my life.
27) I like to think of myself as a flapper.
28) Red Bull gives me inspiration and motivation.
29) I have a short attention span.
30) I'm actually a lot nicer than I seem.
31) I'm not religious, only religiously loyal.
32) I'm generally a good girl.
33) I have dependable friends.
34) I appreciate effort a lot more than anything else in a job.
35) I only wear skinny or straight-leg jeans.
36) I probably dislike a lot more than like.
37) I love food.
38) I live in the land of so-called golden opportunities.
39) I don't seem like it, but I do watch anime from time to time.
40) I actually like working with kids, as bratty as they can be.
41) I think mood rings are cool.
42) I usually don't have a favorite anything.
43) I don't drink or smoke, but I can see myself doing both in the future.
44) I have a Facebook but no Myspace.
45) I chew gum if I'm not eating.
46) Strawberry-banana is in my opinion the best flavor in the world.
47) I don't love or hate high school; I simply deal contentedly with it.
48) I'm no rebel or priss, but I like to do my own thing.
49) I do basically whatever.
50) I get away with a lot of crap, if I do say so myself.

Hairdressers...are so weird. 


So apparently, there's this couple that my mom always goes to when she needs her hair dyed. She doesn't like the wife, and I can tell why. Her hands were really rough with me yesterday. I wanted to punch her for pulling so hard. After a while, the husband (who knows my mom doesn't like the woman doing it) came over and tried to do it, but he got his head snapped off. Both were fighting to do my hair...it was pretty funny. 


I fell asleep so many times. That's not unexpected...seeing as how I was there for seven hours, trying to fix the black mop I had to call my hair for two weeks. My mom says I can't dye it again until I go to college. Well, whatever. I'm never dyeing my hair myself ever again. 


.... Yeah, let's see how long that promise holds up. 

Today I went to Tanforan to browse Ulta (and ended up buying something, of course). I didn't have a dollar for the bus trip back and I only realized it when the bus arrived. The bus driver heard me and guess what he did? He motioned for me to just hop on. I said my thank you's and sorry's so many times.


It amazes me how kind some people can be. If I were to ever become a bus driver (not unlikely), I'll be doing the same.

Hello, dear friends. Where are you?!